Reflections on 2024

My coach, Alla, asked me a few questions about this year. Here are my answers as a first approximation, without revising, reviewing or editing.

What was the biggest obstacle?

The biggest obstacle is probably a part of my mentality, which represents the way in which I approach difficult, ambiguous tasks. This is the approach of first always trying to strategize, gather information, and over-rationalize such tasks. The goal is that I cover as many bases as are humanly possible before executing or taking concrete steps, to be as certain as possible about success.

Imagine if someone is offered a free bungee jumping pass. Probably the response would be somewhere on the spectrum from the most daredevil to the most reserved. An extremely spontaneous person would take the jump right there. A more common response would be to listen to a basic "101" training about what to expect, before taking the jump, and then jump. Towards the other end of the spectrum you would have someone who is reserved and who would go home first, learn about bungee jumping, read a book, watch videos, do a few dry-runs, and weeks or months later they would return to claim their free pass and take the jump. At the most extreme, some people would simply say it's not for them.

I am not at the most extreme, but my approach would be to take at least a few days or weeks to prepare for the jump. I approach in similar ways ambiguous projects, and I only undertake something complex if I put my whole person in it; I go to sleep thinking about it, wake up thinking about, go to gym listening to podcasts about it, and so on. I find it hard to "just do it".

This was, and is, an obstacle. Like most else, it's a story of ego, experiences, and circumstances, so it's possible to some degree to change it. I don't know if it's a common experience that occurs even to the most successful people. Did Musk have trouble compartmentalizing dimensions of his life, and does he obsess over How to achieve something and all the possible implications before doing it? Or does he just jump into it daredevil style? This is an obstacle that is a central part of the story of how I understand the world and take steps in it, so it's not easy to do things differently, but nonetheless a story.

What were some of the most important moments of growth?

Coming at the top here is discovering of the philosophy and perspective of Michael Singer, beginning with his book "The Untethered Soul." I did a practice of a couple of months where I reminded myself everyday to let things just pass and to bring unconditional joy to everything I do, letting ego dissolve the same way every breath comes and goes. It turned out to be an experience that I want to repeat for the rest of my life. This was a very practical application of many things I gleaned from other favorite books and movies, and so I was primed for it, which probably made it such an impactful moment of growth.

I also read about Adlerian thought. I took some notes here, trying to consolidate my understanding, and that was another peak this year in terms of sources of inspiration and forward movement. With these efforts, I took on some new behaviors. I would say I was moderately successful with these behaviors, and they will take more time to learn and integrate, because they are more far fetched and foreign to me. These are: learning to say No more often and with more ease; being more firm about what I need or want; or adopting a more assertive communication style.

What is a realization about myself that made me both uncomfortable and proud?

It was really interesting and frightening to see the result of an experiment I did with myself over the last few years. This year the observations and data points were most clear than prior years. It's not a controlled experiment, and it's just me, so it's not scientific — but "the personal is the universal" so my observations probably carry some weight. The main observation of this experiment being that there is no limit or obstacle that anyone poses on me. The obstacle is always me, and I have not seen an exception yet.

The corollary being that we're all fundamentally free and responsible for the chain reactions we ignite (or perpetuate). The main thing at our disposal is to ask, Why am I feeling this way and, What am I holding inside that makes me act this way? Asking that question helped me countless times to defuse the bomb I myself planted a minute or a day earlier and was waiting like a madman to go off.

Whenever I looked somewhere else for causes or attenuating conditions, I felt off and the result was unsatisfying. And in contrast, whenever I was clear with myself and others about what I'll do to personally take responsibility or contribute to fixing whatever was off, the result was a general improvement of the state of things. This is uncomfortable because it puts immense weight; and it prompts a sense of pride because it relocates the center of control to a place where it makes everything else make sense, in my immediate actions. It's more accurate to call it meaningfulness or self-worth, not pride.

One disadvantage is that if I abuse this sense of control and do not set limits, then it can easily become overwhelming. Not everything is under my control, obviously. Yet all the relevant things are. Knowing the distinction between relevant and irrelevant is another battle, and losing that battle provokes resentment or burnout. So the key in this sense is a permanent balance between self-mastery (taking control) and self-compassion (irrelevant things don't matter).

What was my biggest success this year?

There was no clearer moment of a sense of success than that of stating a clear boundary with myself, colleagues, girlfriend, family, or friends. A boundary can mean a few things. For example, saying No, or being willing to disappoint others or being disliked for a decision. In hindsight, this may seem small, but I recall reflecting on it as a very memorable and crisp definition of success the few days when it happened. This is probably what some athletes would feel like when they beat their best personal record, like minute-per-kilometer or marathon time. In saying the above, I realize that I don't see "success" here as the same of "growth." Success is an application of growth. There's many other applications of growth beside success.